Friday, January 15, 2010

Dear Rush Limbaugh...

I will do my best to avoid inflammatory language here, as that is the scourge which plagues the majority of political discussion these days. Some of you may recall my critically-lauded essay "Glenn Beck: Why Can't I Hate You?" from a few months back; that essay could have easily been called "Rush Limbaugh: Why Can't I Hate You?," with little trouble. Mr. Beck just happened to be on my mind at the time. It really would have been simple to write it about Rush Limbaugh, instead. Both men were equal in their sins, if Limbaugh has been doing it for significantly longer. They were equal in my eyes.

Until this week.

I would like to take a moment now to address Rush Limbaugh.

Rush Limbaugh, sir, you are a genius. You really are. I wish to adulate you, to praise you, to get down on mein knees and pray to Allah (because I know you'd like that) that he should see it fit to bequeath unto me- if, that is, Allah bequeaths- the brilliance with which you have forged your $400 million-dollar career. And that's just one contract! Very impressive, sir.

You know your audience, like any good entertainer. You are able to see the smallest cracks, the most imperceptible flaws, in any argument, and place the appropriate explosives, in the appropriate positions, to destroy any wall an opponent might place before you.

President Barack Obama has asked for Americans to give what they can to help the survivors of the earthquake in Haiti. He has posted a link on the White House website, one that takes you to the Red Cross website, so that people can be easily guided in the process. But you're too smart for his game, and thank Allah for that. You, sir, have said what we were all thinking, what we all, deep down, can't help but believe, that President Obama is secretly misdirecting that money into the pockets of the Democratic party, and that he is taking all the information the Red Cross requests of us so he can add us to mailing lists.

Mr. Limbaugh, I applaud you for having the courage to say it, to be the one to come forward and state, without hesitation, that our President is using a tragedy on the scale of the Haitian earthquake to make money and increase his mailing list. You, sir, are what America is about. The freedom to speak what your heart, and not your $400-million-dollar contract, tells you what must be said. I am, truly, in awe of your intelligence, and the brilliance you must possess to process these ideas so quickly, before the rest of us have the chance to do so. You are a visionary, a luminary, and I hope my children speak of you with the admiration you deserve.

I've noticed that the only difference between Rush Limbaugh and Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., is the audience; Libaugh's audience takes what he says seriously. Sir Dr. Colbert's audience knows better.

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